| You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you
need a refresher course:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1:
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.
STEP 2:
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3:
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
1)Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap.
2)Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all
up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be
December.
3)Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to
use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that
you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
4)Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING your property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will
be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition
to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1) 23 flashlights.
2)At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
3)Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
4)A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5)A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
6)$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Yeah that was funny and all that but I seriously feel like I might have a panic attack. A category 4 and probably a 5 by landfall. And they don't know where it's hitting so we don't know what to do. We put up hurricance shutters and I wanted to cry. I got so nervous I had to go make myself soup. What about all of our horses!??! They are gonna DIE! My poor babies. I want stupid Frances to turn around and go back to Africa and then disappear. - Mood:scared
 - Music:Jay Leno on tv
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